dear viper daddies

dear viper daddies:

although i wanted to write to each of you individually, i must be brief and efficient with my time.

first of all, i want to thank you all for such a lovely evening. spending time with all of you after sitting in the heat and wind and blowing dust all afternoon watching your sons, the vipers, play baseball. i truly enjoyed myself, sitting alongside your wives as they rooted and tooted for their little guys out standing in the sun, breathing in the fine missouri dirt as the wind blew to beat the band. you all made me feel so pretty and special and funny. all in one. and witout really saying that i was pretty and special and funny. except with your furtive glances and occasional lip-licking.

ferrell, thanks for hosting the barbecue and for doing all of the cooking. too bad we couldn't get the women off of their midwestern asses to do it for you so you could have sat down by me as i told stories. i'm sorry the wind kept blowing the smoke back in your face. had it not been for that i surely would have kissed you good night.

kerry, seeing you in coach shorts was a sight for weary eyes. and then cleaned up afterwards at the barbecue not wearing a stitch of underwear. well, what was i to think except that you did it for me, right? i thought so! let me just say that your coaching skills are major-league. the way you can put two of those balls into your pocket at once. impressive. indeed!

todd, todd, todd. just three little words for you: "gonna eat you!"

keith, if you throw a water ballon at me again mister, you're gonna get it! my outfit was soaked and i squirmed in the car all the way back to my motel. i should've made you towel me off. next time you won't get off so easy.

i'm not forgetting you ben. telling me all of those off-colour stories about baseball players being superstitious and not changing their underwear during a winning streak at a tournament. don't you know those boys should be wearing jocks? with cups! they could become sterile if they were to get hit in the bulldog with a baseball.

anyway men, i enjoyed our time together on sunday and i hope i get to see you all again the next time i visit kansas city. now, i have to close here as it's time for my night-time pillow talk with anderson cooper.

faithfully yours,

.o.p.b.

in the background::let's hear it for the boy:deniece williams